hello to anyone that’s still reading. i’ve been receiving tons of positive feedback on my writing and since tumblr is growing so rapidly, i just thought i’d start writing for whomever still enjoys honest, heartfelt, and heavy compositions. thanks you guys!
since my last post, i’ve been on the road to recovery. not completely leaving the mood but have moved from that eerie mindset. unconstrained and shaking these ropes off my heart and slowly separating from this dark antithesis that many have seen these past few months. similiar to spiderman and venom. negative thoughts and intentions can drastically, and at times permanency, change one’s self image, mindset, and expectations for the future. time to move past what happened and pay undying attention to what is truly wanted and a plan to achieve a set goal. yes we all have untold thoughts that set us back and at times it’s too great of a hurdle to conquer but i know it wouldn’t be my true self if i embraced the hurdle with open arms. always moving forward and never lean back on the dark support that i’ve always depended on.
i do still feel for the ill to the thoughts i have but not as much as i did before. i know that you wouldn’t want me to spend my time squandering the dark outskirts of my mind but it’s only to keep your memory alive. things we’ve done, places we’ve been, and times we’ve had. i miss you grandma. i miss you allen. always with me and forever with me through times of great peril. i would give anything to have you grow old with me. anything for you to watch me grow, progress, and watch me encompass any and all goals my heart ever desired.
i had a dream last night. it was a story. a story told by a symphony of past, present, and promising future thoughts. a chair in the middle of a field. a field filled with memories. cherished and regretted memories. i could feel cheer all around me. applauding the good times and gripping the warmth that surrounded me. i told myself, these are the times to enjoy. these are the times to embrace. these are the times to live by. never to wander back into the dark depths and surround myself in melancholy. to take back the love i have for myself. to redeem and to flourish.
1. abounding in vigour and high spirits; full of vitality.
a word to accept and a word to carry with you today. hoped you enjoyed me pep-talking myself! :3
i wish i were blind. not being able to see the world that slowly tears me apart. day by day, the things i see makes me want to give up on this mere reality that society calls life. nothing but empty hopes and a pointless existence. seeking for things that aren’t there and improving on lost conviction. diving into my own vessel that has no final destination. a final solitude. a everlasting journey to an oblivion. a lone path that i see fit for my intention to find myself and to eject all distractions from leading me down another hopeless route. tired of this life. wallowing in misery and sinking into a glorious decline. non-existent passion follows a non-existent soul. no one understands and no one will ever comprehend a fraction of what haunts my apotheosis. that is all for today.
so haven’t been home the past few days and enjoying them. probably fuck me later but oh well I’M GRADUATING SCHOOL BIATCH!! so yeah already starting a career soon and hopefully that’ll take me somewhere i want to be.
in other news, i reactivated my facebook account yesterday and oh boy, i’ve never talked to so many people at one time in many MANY months. i’ll probably deactivate it really soon since i’m already showing side-effects of fb-turns-your-brain-into-mush syndrome. just got on it to update the people that still remembers me about my graduation. IT’S THIS COMING UP THURSDAY MAY 13TH AT 7PM if you want to come support me on my journey across the stage!
been a very stressful week though. you can’t have all the good without the bad. let’s just say i totally out-douched myself in front of the only person i’d never thought i’d be a douche to. totally regret it and hopefully god will answer my prayers.
ever had a feeling that you had an unknown responsibility? it’s similar to having a feeling dragging you across the ground and just ruining your current state. i haven’t felt like this in a while and suddenly the feeling comes back. right before i head to bed, and now i’ve broken a sweat and i don’t have a desire to rest anymore. anymore. anymore.
i hope tonight doesn’t turn to a sleepless one. i’ve missed out on enough sleep and to need time to re-piece myself together, slowly. i have a career that’s about to start, i have strengthened friendships in the past several months, and i kept myself out of trouble. i am the king of my castle. i am the numbers to my phone. i am the man in the mirror.
today was a good day. woke up early for the first time in a few weeks and grabbed breakfast with a close friend. these days have been going pretty smooth for me and started to enjoy the time i have for myself. i’m not alone in a pit of bitterness and bathing in a tub of loneliness. it’s actually nice to think with clear thought and to not have to worry about things that are of no importance. i much more important things to be concentrating my priceless thoughts upon.
so i’m graduating technical school very very soon and now i’m debating whether to continue my education at a reputable university or just go head first into my career. i mean, going to school and getting a full 4 year degree is great but what would i be doing with it? become a teacher? go work as a corporate employee at some company that relates to something in my career path? i have no idea and time is ticking very fast. i know going into my field of choice, it’s going to be very hard for the first few years. but it’s what i love and it’s my fucking passion to get down and dirty. do i really want to spend another 2-3 years in school and making half the money i could be making if i just went ahead and started working? but if i do go to school and get a four year degree, i’d feel accomplished and actually have something to fall back upon. what if being a mechanic isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? i should have an out and still make a living. but i shouldn’t be worried too much about making a living since i do what i love right? it’s very difficult these days to find people who work towards what their heart desires aside from people who just do it for the money and aren’t honestly happy in the end. i don’t know what i should do so if anyone wants to add their opinion or suggestions, ITS HIGHLY APPRECIATED!
on to other words/thoughts.
'you know who came' in contact with me today. she was wondering what i've been up to since we haven't talked in weeks. i responded with the usual. can't keep in contact with people who don't feel the mutual feeling and it's not healthy. out of state and out of mind. even i still think about it from time to time, it's just easier for me to keep it out. she said 'oh that's good you finally realize'. harsh much? stupid bitch. oh well at least she's healthy and alive. my heart still beats for her and i really don't like it. but what can you do? nothing. she feels how she feels and if i were to even think about controlling it, it just wouldn't be true and that's not what anyone would want.
with those short words, i leave you with Lin Yu Chun. (more about the words than the talent but equal affect)
i’m sick of the word ‘hope’. it’s just another word for ‘thanks for trying’. it’s just word to make you feel better about the grim outcome of the situation you’re involved in. i laugh at people who hope for things to get better. i laugh at myself. everyday. i look into the mirror and ask myself ‘are you fucking serious?’ it’s never going to happen and it’s not going to get any better than it is now. then why would i even hope in the first place? is it cause i’m human? is it because i’m stubborn and i want what’s mines? it’s pointless and she’s already made up her mind. she doesn’t care about me and no matter how down i feel and no matter what i say, she’s not going to change her mind for me.
it’s empty now. overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness, my mind begins to fade. my body is weak. my mind is numb. ‘she doesn’t care’, ‘no matter how much you love her, it doesn’t matter now’, ‘you’re alone’. walking into the vast chasm of my soul, i plunge into an uncontrollable spiral. a journey only i can take and only i can explain. i know i should move on with myself and i know i should stop caring about those who don’t feel mutual. i don’t know what it is but i refuse to give up on it. i want to show you what you’re worth and how much you mean to me. you’ll probably never end up reading any of my words and i’m not sure if you should or not. but here is where my soul lies and this is where my heart anticipates your return to me.
but in the meantime, i see hope as a very dangerous feeling. when you hope something, it’s usually a bad outcome. that’s why we say hope. if we knew the outcome was going to be in our favor, the word isn’t even used. don’t trick yourselves into stupid antics of hope and just know it’s optional. in my case, i decided to be someone’s fool and is striving to hang on to the last thread of hope i can give to myself.
'a little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn into glorious success.' - elbert hubbard
if something is really worth it, shouldn’t you hang on to it?
ever passed by a place that reminded you of someone? did you smile? i did today. i do everyday that i pass by mockingbird. it tickles my heart softly. makes me want to stop for a second and admire the antiquity of the moments that were shared. shared and never forgotten. is it true some things are better off being forgotten? in most cases yes but moments like that are very special to me and i never want to act like they never happened. special things like you.
you ask me why i try to hang out with you and if it still hurts. it doesn’t hurt much because me being with you makes me feel good that you’re in good health and you’re still sane. i heart beats fast and my eyes wander. my leg shakes and i play with my fingers. it’s like i just seen you for the first time and i’m speechless at your beautiful illustration. i just smile. you think i’m weird. i’m just enjoying the priceless time i have with you. being that you’re busy all the time, i cherish the minutes i have with you alone. you might not see this and many people might not even notice how precious time with you is. just knowing i was part of your day, it just leaves me without words and all i can do is smile. smile to my hearts content and hold on to that happiness and hopefully we could enjoy it together.
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.”- Helen Keller
making people happy is the thing i do best. the talent god has blessed on me and it’s my job to share it, spread it, and honor the gift i have. seeing people that are experiencing a bad day pains me. people experiencing anything bad pains me. i’m not saying it’s my job to make everyone happy because that’s impossible. if it’s in my ability to do it, i will take that chance in stride. making you happy all those times was the best i’ve ever felt. seeing the glimmer in your eyes and the cheer in your step made everything so much more enjoyable. getting rid of all my prized possessions and sacrificing everything i could made it worth it. it showed how much i cared about keeping you happy and keeping you away from trouble. i still want to keep you happy and to keep you from danger. keep you with me. something special about you keeps me coming back to you. god must have spent too much time on you.
i will find a way to your heart again.
please leave me any comments questions or concerns. i want to hear from you guys. thanks
i don’t really have much to say tonight. it’s really quiet in my room. dark and kind of stuffy. i slide open the glass door and hope for a breeze to walk into the room and maybe keep my toes company. no breeze tonight and even my toes are afflicted by my sweet sense of anguish. my head against the wall and my hands on the keyboard, my heart throbs and my brain tenses. i think i’m lost in translation.
you’ve ever tried explaining something deep to someone and had a very hard time getting your point across? it made perfect sense in your head though didn’t it? that’s pretty much what i’m experiencing RIGHT NOW. i have all the words, phrases, letters, and even the punctuations i want to use but it’s just .. my heart won’t allow it. locked away in solitary, no one will ever feel what i feel. see what i see. say what i say. if you think about it, each and every individual has their own way of saying things. a way of explaining themselves clearly. possibly having your very own language.
i could use all the hand signs, facial expressions, and body movement i wanted but you will never understand how i feel. you might be able to accomplish a very slight grasp but will never appreciate and recognize the magnitude of my conviction.
but i will tell you this one thing. i know who i love and i know how to genuinely show it to whomever will accept it.
if you're not happy, don't lie to others about it.
ever watch those documentaries about those men that beat their wives? it makes me sick to my stomach when i hear the testimonies of the surviving women. ‘oh but i loved him and will always love him.’ FUCKING RETARDED. if you’re not happy, face it. you’re not fucking happy. don’t try to defend your situation and make it seem like it’s not a big deal. don’t lie to yourself. that’s the worst because you’re never going to stop. it’s not going to help and it’s not going to solve itself.
oh he’s like that it’s okay. oh she always forgets it’s alright. naww it’s not a big deal it happens all the time! SHUT THE FUCK UP. i know it’s known for people to be flakers, inconsiderate assholes, and just straight up dumb as fuck but sweet jesus, there’s always a boundary that should never be crossed. i’m not telling you to not a shit about anything but stand up for yourself and just take note that something isn’t right.
don’t be selfish.
you can bitch all day and night but when it comes down to it, you don’t say a damn thing. why? because you don’t want to fuck anything up. you’re comfortable being unhappy and it’s worth it because you’ve got it all to yourself. you wouldn’t want anyone touching your gold. it’s just history repeating itself. george bush didn’t have to start that war in iraq. he got selfish, got money from the oil, and bitches about it to the US and still doesn’t do shit about it. cause he’s still getting money. you’re still getting what you want. it’s the same shit.
don’t lie to yourself.
there are people that are here for you no matter what and others will actually do something about it. lying to them and lying to yourself isn’t healthy at all. just please do me a favor, don’t EVER let anyone tell you that you’re fat. EVER. the most foolish and grotesque comment that has ever been directed towards you. you’re a fucking treasure. i hope you know.
apologies for the vulgar and obscene language. it’s just an issue that’s been picking at my brain all day. i just had to let it out.
a figment of my imagination. something that will never come true. mindless wandering into the dark path that leads to something that’s wanted most. the only time i can be truly happy with myself with no cares. i never want to wake up. an escape from the reality of present time. you’re there. a glowing figure. i come running towards you. ‘i knew you’d come home’ i thought to myself. no thoughts running through my head. no time to think. i just need get to you and everything will be fine. but it feels like the further i run, the wider the gap between us spreads. like two negatively attracted magnets. but i keep running. nothing can stop me from getting to what i love most. the save gets smaller and smaller. eventually i’m on my hands and knees crawling. heavy breathing, body aching, i feel i’m getting closer. the glow is getting brighter and brighter. my eyes begin to squint the closer i get. still crawling, the trail stops. now i’m outside of a house peeking into a window. green fields, blue skies, and a light breeze. is this what i’ve been waiting for? i didn’t give a shit and was happy i wasn’t crawling anymore. maybe this is my house and what i’ve been wanting. peeking through the window, there you are. sitting ever so elegantly. waiting. i dust myself off and walk up the steps to the front door. it’s a blue door. don’t ask me why, it just is. my body shaking, my hands are clamored in sweat, my heart is thumping furiously. i reach for the door handle and turn it.
it’s locked. fuck.
i run to the window and tap it. no response. i’m looking straight at you and now i’m banging on the damn thing. still not even a budge. i run to the door and try to kick it down. i almost damn near broke my leg trying to get through that thing. maybe there’s a key i need to find to get in? but there was no key hole. i calmly walk back to the window and put my hand on the window. ‘i’m here.’, i whispered under my breath. you were wearing a light blue summer dress with your hair tied back in a bow. sitting at a table by yourself .. as if you were waiting for something. someone.
with my hands in my pockets, i walk up to the tree on the hill and sit under it. maybe i’ll think of something genius while i sit under this tree. gravity was discovered sitting under a tree. i feel like i’ve been sitting there for hours and hours but the sun hasn’t moved an inch and i can see you through the window. i don’t know what to do. what should i do.
but the real question is, is it my place to do anything at all. do i belong here? ‘of course!’, i think to myself. why else would i be here under this tree. i’m here for a reason and i’m staying until i get what i want. still locked out of the house, i grow older as time flies by. i eventually turn into an old man with a cane still waiting outside. you’re ageless and still sitting there with your blue dress on. standing under the tree i see you move. you jump up and run to the door. i’m overwhelmed and i skip down the hill and eventually end up rolling down the hill but i didn’t care. so many things a running through my mind. finally you’re coming to me and i have so much to talk to you about. the sun still beaming and grass steaming green. its just like the first day i was here. heart is racing so fast i feel like throwing it up since i can’t handle it anymore. my hands shaking and my eyes watering. i turn the corner. i look up.
i guess she wasn’t waiting for me.
she was waiting for someone else.
i don’t breathe. i don’t think. i don’t look. slowly stepping back, my heart stops. my body freezes up and i fall backwards. expecting to land in the soft green blades of grass, i fall into a pool of dark water. the trees fade away. bright sunny skies fade away. feeling the water around my body, i open my eyes and i see that house. that damned house. it’s daunting now. it’s disgusting. i don’t want to be here anymore. i want to fade like the grass. unremembered and forgotten. darkness surrounds me and i let myself go. my body paralyzed, my heart is numb, and my mind is crippled. this is my final resting place?
i wake up. my pillow is wet. my face is wet. blinking a few times, tears jump down and follow a trail that leads to the pillow.i don’t want to move and i don’t want to get out of bed. it’s just a figment of my imagination.
months and months have passed by and finally god has granted me a chance to speak with you again and enjoy your company. my heart racing and my nerves shaking, i longed to see your loving face again. i sit by the window and switching my concentration back and forth from my school assignments to the window. then i see you. trying not to budge and putting full effort into my homework, you sit next to me. i haven’t felt this good in a very long time. i turn to see you and chuckle. ‘hey’. ‘hi’, she says while she smirks ever so gently. today is the day i enjoy myself and hopefully it will cure my sickness. it’s a beautiful day outside and i haven’t worn shorts in months. weather+girl+shorts. it really can’t get any better.
we’re off to dinner and start chatting about old times and new times. i haven’t spoke to her in many months and was eager to chat about these past few months. with a smile on my face, i happily get her anything on the menu she craved because i know it’d make her day. at the restaurant we both see many familiar faces but they were baffled faces filled with confusion. this was expected but i didn’t care. i know what i want and i’m not scared to be judged by it. continuing with our conversation and getting deeper into reality, my mood begins to dip. this was also expected but at the same time, very surprising. i begin to get very unsettled and now the day is getting a little dreary.
friendship: the state of being a friend. ex: to value a person’s friendship. (via www.dictionary.com)
friendship: something that is much underrated by society. friendships are not monogamous by necessity. two people in a friendship don’t need to exclude other people from their relationship. (via www.urbandictionary.com)
now, agreeing to both, friendships are labeled as a very strong bond between individuals and something that money cannot buy. friendships carry priceless history and unspeakable moments. deep dark secrets and bright and cheerful celebrations. we must share this beautiful gift that has been granted to us and never condone it.
with that out of the way, back to dinner.
my mood has left me and now i join the staring faces of confusion while i stare her in her brown eyes. i leave my mind and step back in disbelief. my mind goes blank and i forget to breathe and choke on my rootbeer. she says she doesn’t hang out with her best friends anymore because they’re too busy. i didn’t say anything but just give a long face and a look of disapproval.
if they were your best friends, through out high school and now college, would the fact of just being busy stop you from holding on to what’s really worth something? i know it’s harder as we grow older but simple things like that should not stop you from doing anything. a phone call. a text. an instant message. anything. she has a new boyfriend now. the cause? maybe. i mean it’s not bad or anything but one shouldn’t invest all their time on one person. quoting from urbandictonary, ‘friendships are not monogamous by necessity. two people in a friendship don’t need to exclude other people from their relationship.’ we must broaden our views and see the people that are effected by your actions and take responsibility. someone always said, ‘if you really want it, you’ve gotta get out there and get it.’ blame it on the times, blame it on the laziness, blame it on yourself.
it pains my heart to hear these words from your mouth. i just want to slip out of my seat and wash down stream. my body gets loose and my mind gets tight. so much to say. BUT would i have a place to say anything? should i be allowed to have an opinion? i don’t know but i will write about it. whether you read this or not, you need to get real and see the people you’re hurting. especially me. i don’t why i’m hurting and i really don’t know why i care so much but i deeply and honestly do. i’ve lost many friends but gained three times more. it still isn’t the same. trust in yourself to take action on what you want.
my heart on the floor and my eyes concentrating on the mavericks game, i try to slip it through my thoughts and look back at her. a little upset and bothered, i continue with our conversion. with the look of disapproval on my face, she knows i’m a little unsettled. picking at my chicken wings, the night carries on slower and slower.
she isn’t the same person i remember. but i try not to let these little things bother me but it keeps sticking. but it aches and it hurts to see her act like this and it pains me to think of her close friends and how they feel. and trust me, they do feel. maybe it’s because it hasn’t hit you hard yet and haven’t realized what you’re on the verge of being deprived of. we must not let this pass and take force on the matter. memories we can’t take back and times we must not forget. friendship, underrated by society.
as for myself, i’m still crazy love. no matter what. call me dumb. call me foolish. call me brave. i say what’s on my mind and i do what i wish. my wish is to love this girl with everything i have.
i think that’s enough for tonight. i just had to let it out.
don’t forget your friends and don’t forget about the people who truly love, care, and charish you for who, what, and how you are no matter what.
so had subway for lunch today and really enjoyed it. felt good today eating healthy for once and i’m thinking about getting it again tomorrow. been burping the taste of lettuce and bacon all day. MMHMMMMMM
chicken bacon ranch w/ extra lettuce, salt&pepper, jalepenos, and LITE mayo.
i know you’ll probably never see this but i just want to let you know i still think about you day and night wondering how you’re doing. i hope all is well and you’re happy with your current day living. my heart still races for you and will for a long time.
but in the mean time, i hope you know you’re a heartless bitch and i hope something bad happens to you.